


Some Things Hallmark Just Doesn't Make a Card For

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, M/M, Smut, USUK - Freeform, WTF, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:37:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SUPER CRACKY USUK! America is too rough during sex and accidentally gives England an anal prolapse. England is pissed. However is a hero to make it up to him? America's POV for the lulz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Things Hallmark Just Doesn't Make a Card For

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This fic is about anal prolapse. For those of you don't know what that is, it's when your rectum falls out. It can be caused by a few things, including rough anal sex. *The moar you know*
> 
> So I would just like to warn for how GROSS this fic is. And cracky! I really mean it. Don't read if you're easily grossed out. Because this might be my grossest fic yet. And that's really saying something. It's VERY fucked up. Trust me. I labeled this Explicit mostly for that. (There is sex, but it's not very sexy.)
> 
> SO YOU'RE GOOD AND WARNED, OKEY?
> 
> America's POV for the lulz ;)

WHAM!

That was the sound of England's head hitting the headboard thing on my bed. Because I shoved him down pretty rough.

"Watch it!" he said, all pissed off.

"Oops … my bad."

He was still rubbing the back of his head and looking all irritated when I climbed on top of him.

"It'll be worth it," I said, popping the buttons on my shirt. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard your entire Commonwealth will feel it."

England looked up at me as I threw my shirt off, raising his enormous eyebrows like he was confused. "That's a big word for you."

I quickly unzipped myself. "Hehe, I got another big word for you right now."

England all lazily and nonchalantly unzipped himself, still looking a little annoyed. "'Penis' isn't a particularly big word, you know."

I pulled my pants down and off as quickly as I could. I threw them on the floor. "No, but my penis is! Gosh!"

England neatly folded his pants and placed them gently aside. "Is this supposed to be dirty talk? If so, you're horrible at it."

I tugged down my boxers. "Nuh uh! I can talk sexy if I want."

England slid down his underwear, looking way more bored than someone who was about to get their brains fucked out should. "Please. Diction is hardly your forte."

Diction? Is like that dick and friction put together? Because if so, England was totally wrong. I know all about that. And he was about to find that out the hard way. (Hard because my dick was hard, but I'm sure you guys got that joke, hehe.)

I got my boxers off and then I was completely naked. Except for socks but oh well, I wasn't gonna bother with the socks. It just felt good to get my aching boner outta them pants! AH FREEDOM. AND LIBERTY. FROM CHAFING BOXERS. That is the American way.

"How's this?" I said. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard your imaginary fairy friends will feel it. You'll scream so loud neighbors' dogs will howl and babies will cry and it'll only turn you on more. You'll cum so hard it'll be like Big Ben is at the Bellagio. All your virgin Queens dead in the ground will have their ghost cherries popped and will say 'yaaaaay' instead of 'booooo' like normal ghosts. And you'll be so sore and open afterwards it'll make my Grand Canyon look like the eighteenth hole in a round of mini-golf."

"Dear God, America!" exclaimed England. "That was horrible!"

I slathered on some lube as fast as I could. "You know you liked it."

"No, it was actually offensive! How dare you talk about my Queens in such a mannerrrrrgghhh …"

The reason England trailed off like that was because I spread his cheeks with my fingers and squeezed some of the lube over his entrance.

"It's cold," bitched England, shuddering.

"Sorry, I don't feel like warming it up."

"Impatient bastard …"

Of course I was impatient! I was about to GET ME SOME! How could I be patient with a very excited erection and a warm, willing opening beneath me? Come on now. Foreplay is for pussies. (Hehe … you see what I did there?)

I was excited! I couldn't wait to get myself up in there and go to town, dude!

Which is exactly what I did. I grabbed my cock to line myself up, and slammed myself in.

"Ah, fuck!" England squeezed his eyes shut and clawed at my sheets. "That hurt …"

"Aw, sorry. I guess I'm just that big, haha! Oh yeeeeah," I said totally and completely modestly.

"No, you're just too f-fuuuuck …" England trailed off into like a hissing sound. He looked like he was in pain. "…uuucking impatient and rough."

"You like it," I said, starting to thrust away.

"No — not when you rush foreplay like that."

"Psssh. Whatever. Just lay back and enjoy the ride."

"I'm being s-serious …" England kept cringing. "You should h-have lubed better … you should have fingered me first …"

Despite this totally lame conversation, I was really giving it to him good. Like I was banging the hell out of him. The bed was so loud it sounded like a bunch of childrens were jumping on it. The headboard on my bed was going BAM BAM BAM as it slammed into the wall. My poster of Lady Gaga in that smoking hot meat dress even fell off the wall! I was pounding him that hard, you guys.

"Y-you don't just start off so fast …" England was squirming under me. "You build it up …"

"Would you quit talking? ! You're gonna break my concentration!"

It's hard to get off when you're being nagged, JFC. Especially when I really did need to concentrate. I mean, as fast and hard as I was going, it was quite the effort! Definitely my exercise for the day. Sweat was already dripping down my forehead. Fun fact: if you sweat, it's exercise. True facts.

"Ouch – shit. Slow down," nagged England. "You're still hurting me."

"But you like it rough."

"Not like this."

Suddenly, I pulled out.

England relaxed and laid his head back on the pillow. "Oh, thank God. Give me a minute to recover from that, Christ. You really – WHAAA!"

I grabbed England and flipped him over. So then he was on his stomach.

"Damn it!" he said, climbing to his hands and knees. "Why'd you do that? !"

"Wanted to change positions, duh!"

"Aren't you listening to me? I said not so rouuggghhhhh … God … damnit …"

I entered him again and was back to pounding away. I was behind him on my knees with my hands on his waist. I both thrusted into him and pulled his hips backward to mine at the same time. That's some good multitasking ;)

"You're so tight, England!"

"Fuckkkkk …" England moaned, his front going all slack.

"Don't act like you don't like it! You're gonna cum in a few minutes and you know it."

"Nnnggh …" groaned England, looking dazed. "That's … not th-the … point."

"You're gonna cum like a freight train. CHOO CHOO!"

"L-listen to me … it really hurts …"

"CHOO CHOOOOOO!"

Suddenly England made this godawful sound. Like a choke or sputter or something. Then he whipped his head back around to me, looking horrified. "Stop, stop!" he yelled, all frantic. "TAKE IT OUT!"

I was still pounding him. "Tsk. You didn't say that very nicely. What's the magic word~? You should say please."

"OH, I'LL SAY PLEASE ALRIGHT! TAKE IT OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR I'LL RIP IT OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER FUCKING PLEASE YOURSELF AGAIN!"

You know, England made a convincing argument. I decided to listen to him.

"Hmm …" I said, sitting back and stroking myself. "I guess I don't have good diction after all. I have too much dick and friction."

Then I looked down and saw it. My eyes practically bulged off my head like O_O because when I looked at England's ass, something was hanging out of it!

I froze, my hand still around my dick. "Dude, WHAT THE FUCK!"

England was still laying around. "… huh?"

"YOUR ASS! OH GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT? !"

There was something pink and fleshy coming out of England's asshole. No, wait. I think that thing WAS his asshole! Like it was turning inside out. Or like it was blowing a bubble of Bubblicious bubblegum.

England raised his head up. When he saw, he looked even paler than he did before. "Oh … fuck."

"What is that? !"

It was still coming! Whatever it was was getting even longer! It was like that movie Alien, where the alien burst from that person's chest. Except it wasn't a chest it was England's ass and it wasn't an alien it was … crap, I don't even know! D:

"This is your fault!" said England angrily, pointing at me.

"ME? ! I'm not the one whose ass is giving birth to Ditto from Pokemon!"

"You shouldn't have been so rough! Now I have a damned anal prolapse!"

"An anal WHAT? !"

"It's what happens when you are too rough like that, idiot!"

"Yeah but WHAT IS IT? !"

"It's my damned rectum falling out, you fucking –"

"EEEEEEWWWW!"

I jumped off the bed and was jamming for my iPhone. When I got it I jumped back on the bed and started to dial it. Yeah – started. But then I saw that it was my turn on Words With Friends against Canada and I had such a good play (the letter J is worth 10 points, you guys!) (on a triple letter square too!). It was so tempting to make my play but I'm a hero so I resisted.

I had to call 911. Which I hate, because that name pisses me off. 911? REALLY? We all know what happened on that day. Why did they have to name emergency services after such a terrible event? So offensive!

"Who are you calling? !" England asked, all pissed off as I was dialing.

"911, duh! Your ass is falling out of you!"

"Don't call them!"

"Huh? But –" There was a click.

"911, what's your emergency?" asked the person on the other end.

"Oh, hey," I said. "What's up?"

"Nothing," said the EMS operator. "What's up with you?"

"Oh, nothing. Same old same old. You know how it is." A pause. "NO WAIT! Not nothing! I got a problem!"

"HANG UP!" yelled England.

"Shhh, England, I'm on the phone. So rude!" I turned my attention back to the operator. "ANYWAY! We need an ambulance ASAP. It's a long story but I got a little carried away and my boyfriend here has—"

"Oi," interrupted England. "When did we ever decide I was your boyfriend?"

I almost dropped my iPhone. Which really wouldn't have been good because I didn't get the insurance on that thing. 15 bucks a month? Bitch please. "You're … you're not?"

He looked away and crossed his arms. "I don't remember ever hearing you tell me your feelings about me."

"Dude, guys don't talk about their feelings! We spend so much time together and do stuff for each other and have sex all the time … if we're not boyfriends, what are we?"

"That's a good question," said England, still not looking at me. "I'd say friends with benefits, but that would mean we're friends."

"… um, s-sir?" asked the operator all nervously.

"Hold please!" I said into the phone, then covered the bottom of it with my hand so I could keep talking to England. "WE'RE FRIENDS!"

"Sort of …"

"What do you mean sorta? !"

"I suppose we are friends but it gets annoying how much we argue."

"So stop being wrong all the time!"

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. Now hang up the phone."

"No! We gotta get you to the hospital!" I moved my hand from the phone. "Yeah, operator? I need an ambulance for my boyf—" Oops. "—um, person I've been nailing for a while." I guess that was more accurate according to England … "We were having sex and now his … uh … stuff is falling out."

"Uh …" The operator sounded really weirded out. "Wh-what kind of stuff, sir?"

I looked back down to it. That thing hanging from England's ass. Ugh, it creeped me out. "It looks like …" I squinted my eyes at it. "Like a pink sock hanging out his ass."

I have a way with words, you guys. Because that is EXACTLY what it looked like. In fact, that's what I'm going to call it from now on. His sock-anus.

"God, this is so fucking embarrassing …" said England. "Just hang up. It's bad enough a doctor is going to have to see me like this, I don't want EMS workers to as well."

"Then how are you gonna get to the hospital? Duh!"

"You can drive me."

"Eew, no! I don't want that in my car!" 'That' was his sock-anus, in case you were wondering.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand?" said the EMS operator.

"It's real simple! I was banging him real hard and for some reason — HEY!"

England had grabbed the phone from my hand while I was still talking! And then he said into the phone, "Cancel that ambulance — we'll drive ourselves, thank you." And then he hit 'end'! GRR I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE MESSING WITH MY PHONE!

"What the heck, England!"

England glared at me. "You are driving me to the hospital."

"But I—"

"Don't you argue. You try to call me your boyfriend but won't even drive me to the hospital for something that is your fault?"

I sighed. "FINE!"

"That's more like it."

I curled my lip up in disgust. "… but you gotta ride in the backseat."

"Ugh …"

So I drove him to the hospital. And it was super awkward. I kept trying to make small talk and joke around to make it less so, but England was having none of it. Even though some of my jokes were super funny! I'll give you an example.

So I was chewing gum, right? I said to England, "Hey, check this out." And then I blew a bubble. When it finally popped I said, "You get it? I blew a bubble?"

England just glared back. "No, I don't."

"That was my impression of your ass. Because it totally looks like you're blowing a big bubble with it, HAHA!" Funny, right? "Though hopefully yours won't pop before we get to the hospital …"

England wouldn't speak to me the rest of the drive :(

X

So a few days passed. I'll spare you the details, because they are gross. I took England to the hospital and they had to do emergency butt surgery. They had to put his rectum back inside of him. EEW, right?

Even worse was that England was still all pissed off at me! He wouldn't answer my calls and told the nurses not to let me visit while he was recuperating! I couldn't see him at all. God, why did he have to be so butthurt about all this?

But it was okey because I had a plan! I went down to the local Hallmark store and decided to get him an apology card. One of those with like the beautiful poems and pictures of flowers or sunsets or crap like that on them. One of them fancy, nice ones. So nice that when England read it he'd weep tears of joy and go 'Oh America! Of course I forgive you! Oohhhhh, take me now!' and all is well with the world.

But funny enough, I couldn't find a 'Sorry I gave you an anal prolapse' card! Jeez, Hallmark. Way to go with your crappy selection. I asked one of the employees if they had any and he said no but we have ones with pictures of socks and I said I see what you did there.

I ended up just buying a regular apology card. I worried it wasn't enough, so I looked around and saw all sorts of other stuff I could buy for England. Candy, balloons, flowers – I put all that shit in my cart. Yeah, Hallmark has carts. Sometimes you just have that much emotion and need a whole cart for it all, of course!

I brought it all to the hospital. The nurses were like "Hey you can't go in there!" as I was jamming for England's room. But I was like BEEP BEEP GET OUTTA MY WAAAAAY!

I burst into his room with my arms full. Full of flowers, candy, and a crap ton of balloons. I had so many balloons I was like the old guy's house from the movie Up. And of course I had my card, so England knew all my emotions that somebody else wrote for me.

"ENGLAND!" I said as I burst into the room.

England glared at me. "What's all this shit?"

I accidentally dropped it all. Yep, everything. Right to the floor. I thought he was gonna be thrilled and forgive me and we'd make up. And out. Hehe, yeah. We'd make out right in the hospital bed. But no! He still looked super pissed. Which made me super shocked!

"Wha … what?"

He crossed his arms. "Get out of here. I told the nurses to keep you away for a reason."

"B … but England! I did this for you! I … I'm sorry!"

"Heh. Yeah, right. You're probably just sorry because you can't have sex with me any time soon."

"Nuh uh! That was like the third thing I thought of! Not the first!"

He reached for some buzzer thing. "I'm calling the nurses to kick you out."

"No, wait!" I rushed to his side. "England, I really am sorry! What can I do to prove it to you? !"

"More than go to Hallmark."

Suddenly there were a bunch of nurses coming up from behind me. "What then? !"

He wouldn't look at me. "Figure it out for yourself, idiot."

The nurses all ganged up on me. They surrounded me and grabbed me. "I'll make it up to you, England! You and your sock-anus!" I yelled as they dragged me off. "I promissssssssse!"

I dragged out that word as long as I could. Until I was out of England's sight. Then I pushed them nurses off of me and casually walked out on my own. I'm stronger than them and could have done that from the beginning, but I wanted to go out dramatically.

FOR THE DRAMA!

X

I thought long and hard about how to get England to forgive me. So long and hard I forgot to make a joke about how I said 'long and hard' and that is totally a funny innuendo. After all, I'm sure you thought of naughty things when I said it. Am I right? (And if not, you are now! HAHA!)

Eventually I decided this was all stupid Hallmark's fault! How dare they not have 'Sorry I gave you an anal prolapse' cards! And they call themselves professional. PSSSH! Yeah right.

And then I got to thinking. They say if you make your own cards it means more. Because it's like from the heart, or something. I dunno but I remember when I was a kid, England would love it when I drew him pictures. So I decided to make him a card!

I folded a piece of paper hamburger ways (not hot dog ways, that's for n00bs). LOL you guys remember that from when you were childrens? Anyway I folded it and on the front I drew a picture of a sunset. People fuckin' love sunsets on cards, am I right? With some birds in the distance. I drew little m's for birds because I'm a good artist and know all the shortcuts, hehe.

Then on the inside I wrote "I'm sorry …" in the fanciest cursive I could write. I suck at cursive but I did my best for England! Then under that I finished with, "… for giving you an anul prolaps" And in between those words I drew a big pink sock with a big frowny face like :(

"England is gonna love this!" I said as I colored it in with my crayons. Yeah, I used crayons. Crayola. They are the best so don't be jealous.

I was so excited to give it to him! I went back to the hospital with the card to make everything better. The nurses tried to stop me again but I was too fast. I was jamming down that hall and got into England's room and locked the door before they could catch me, HA!

England was laying on the hospital bed reading a book. Wuthering Heights or some crap (LOL they spelled 'weathering' wrong.) But I grabbed it out of his hand and threw it against the wall.

"The hell? !" exclaimed England, all pissed.

But I was smiling back, because I put the card in his hands instead. "Read it!" I said, all excited.

England looked really annoyed, but then he looked at the card. He opened it and read it.

"Sooooo …" I said. "You forgive me~?"

He was scowling down at the card. "You spelled both 'anal' and 'prolapse' wrong."

"I did? Haha, oops! Not exactly words you write every day, huh?"

"God, you cock everything up," he said as he balled up my card. "Sometimes literally."

I couldn't believe it! He just balled it up like it was a candy wrapper or DUI ticket! Like it was trash! "England, I made that for you!"

"I could tell." England tossed it on the floor.

"B-but! You used to love my drawings when I was a kid!"

"Yeah … when you were a kid. You're an adult now. You need to learn how to apologize like one."

"But doing adult things is how I ended up in this mess!"

By then the nurses had unlocked the door and were grabbing me again. I sighed and let them. Because clearly England still didn't forgive me. And I was lazy and didn't feel like walking.

When I got home I did some more thinking. Long and hard. Good, long, and hard. So hard I was straining and sweating but then suddenly I was like YESSSSS! And it was like an idea-gasm.

Sometimes when England gets pissed at me, I just gotta give him that puppy dog look. Flash my big blue eyes and pout my lower lip and he's like "~sigh~ FINE." But I'd tried it in the car a bunch of times while I had driven him to the hospital and it didn't work! So whatever was a hero to do?

I got a real puppy.

One with a face so cute England was sure to love it! He'd see that adorable little thing and his icy cold heart will melt! He'll get "AWWW IT'S SO BLOODY CUTE I FORGIVE YOU AMERICA YOU'RE JOLLY GOOD! AWW IT'S BLOODY LICKING MY BLOODY FACE HOW BLOODY CUTE! BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY NOW COME HERE AND LET'S HAVE SOME JOLLY GOOD SEX."

Or something like that.

(England sounds like that right?)

I figured he'd instantly love it and be so happy and say "Let's bloody raise it together, America!" like it's our baby and we live happily ever after :D

I got him an itty bitty little Corgi puppy. England and his Queen friggin' love Corgis for some reason. It was so tiny I stuffed it inside my jacket when I went back to the hospital. I dunno why, since I was already breaking the rules by going into England's room when I wasn't allowed, but oh well.

I busted into England's room and slammed the door shut behind me. He was still laying there, this time reading Jane Eyre.

"Yo, England!" I said, rushing over to his side. "I got a surprise for you!"

He looked up from his book to glare at me. "You know you're not supposed to be in here, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. But look at this!" I pulled the little puppy out from my jacket. "Isn't he cute? !"

"What the …!" England said, all startled. "You can't bring a dog into a hospital!"

"Shhh, don't tell anyone." I held him out for England to take. "Well, go on! Say hi to him!"

England leaned back. "I don't want to hold it! For Christ's sake, America! I'm still recovering from surgery!"

"But isn't it CUTE? !"

"Yes, it's cute, but it doesn't belong here."

"But you admit it's cute? !"

"It is cute. I admit, I am rather partial to Corgis."

"Did you hear that, Sconey?" I said to the puppy. "He thinks you're cute!" Oh yeah. I named him Sconey, hehe. I figured England would like that name.

England looked back down to his book. "But I still don't forgive you."

D:

"BUT ENGLAND!" I practically screamed. "I got this puppy for you … " I lowered my voice to a whisper, and it was dramatic. OH THE DRAMA! "… for … us."

England glanced up, raising one caterpillar-like eyebrow. "Eh?"

"I thought you'd forgive me and then we could raise this puppy together … like a baby … as a couple …" I made a pouty face.

"Heh." England returned to reading his book. "No."

AUGH MY HEART!

IT HURT! Like a knife cut through it! Like someone shot an arrow through it! Like someone fucked it too rough and the bottom of it was falling out! Such painful things!

I left on my own that time. The nurses were trying to gang up on me but I just held up Sconey and they all went "AWWW!" together and then I left him there with them and went home :(

It was time for more thinking. I sat at home on the couch and just thought. Thought about England and his icy heart and his sock-anus. But then I got bored and just decided to watch TV for a while instead.

I was watching my favorite movie when I got the idea. It was the cinematic masterpiece known as Snakes on a Plane. I was watching it and rubbing my chin and going 'hmmm' and suddenly it hit me.

I called up Canada.

"Sup, bro? I need you to do me a favor," I said to him over the phone. "Come out of your igloo and go down to the hospital where England is staying."

"I don't live in an igloo! God, how many times do I have to tell you that? !"

"Yeah you do. Anyway, go visit him and tell him to look out his window at exactly 4:00. Okay?"

"What is this for?"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Jeez, okay …"

"And while you're there, give him a little slap on the ass and tell him that's from me. He'll know what that means."

"What? NO!"

"Hmm … yeah, you're right. He's still recovering from butt surgery, that's probably not a good idea."

"… eh? !"

"Just remember. 4:00. Out the window."

"Did … did you say butt surgery?"

"I said 4:00! DON'T FORGET!"

And then I hung up.

I had such a kickass idea. I was gonna blow his mind with this one. He'd love it so much he'd cry tears of joy and not only forgive me but confess he loves me too. He'll even let me call him my boyfriend! OH BOY! Yeah, he'll be so happy he'll drop to his knees and please me. I meant to beg me to marry him but if you were thinking of a blowjob that works too! Because that would be the perfect proposal, am I right? Dropping to your knees, popping the question, then popping my cock in his mouth and sucking away like NOMNOMNOM. My dream come true! :'D

So what was this awesome idea, you wonder? Well stop wondering. Because I'm about to tell you.

I was gonna get in my plane and write 'I'M SORRY ENGLAND' in the sky.

FUCKING ROMANTIC AM I RIGHT? !

And yeah, I'm a pilot. Please don't ever forget that. Been flying planes since 1903, bitches. First nation in the sky. Suck on that, Russia.

So there I was. In my plane. I lowered my aviation goggles and was like 'LET'S DO THIS.' Click click click went the controls. I taxied down the runway and pulled the joystick for takeoff. Shit, is it still called a joystick on a plane? Or is that just video games? I've played so many I forget now, LOL.

Finally the plane lifted off the ground and I was in the air. Climbing up, up, UP! And then I was high in the sky!

"VROOM VROOOOOM!" I said as I flew the plane.

I always say that when I fly planes, hehe.

I looked to my clock. It was 3:58. Time to get into the position and start!

I'd planned this all out. I would be in the exact right position so that England could see from the hospital room window. I used all kinds of calculations and maths to do this just right. I even used a protractor. When's the last time YOU used a protractor? I bet it's been a while. Only smart peoples use protractors. Protractors for prolapse apologies.

The clock struck 3:59 and I started on the first letter. I released the … smokey stuff, I dunno what it's called, LOL. But it was like PSSSSSH! … I assume. I couldn't hear shit over the plane engine. Or my voice still going "VROOOM VROOOOOM!" Because it's so fun to do that. If you don't believe me, do it next time you're in the car going fast. I guarantee it makes it more fun! :D

I curved the plane and made an I. I skipped the apostrophe because come on. I wasn't gonna do that little thing, it's not even worth it. Then I made the M. I had lots of practice with them since that's how I draw birds! Then I left some space and made the S, the O, two R's, and a Y. It was taking longer than I thought so I just wrote UK instead of England. I don't know the difference anyway. England? United Kingdom? Britain? GREAT Britain? British Isles? Just pick one already, jeez.

When I landed the plane the first thing I did was break out my iPhone. I called Canada and as soon as I heard the click of him answering yelled, "DID HE SEE? !"

"Uh … yeah, he saw," said Canada.

I hopped out of the plane. All triumphant and badass. "AW YEEEEAH! What'd he say?"

"Well, uh … he said your cursive needs work."

I frowned :( "Um, what else did he say?"

"Hmm … I believe his exact words were …" Canada faked a British accent for the next part: "What is that monstrosity supposed to be? An 'S'? It looks like a damned sailboat drawn by an inbred blind toddler."

D:

"Capital S's in cursive are HARD!"

"I'm just telling you what he said," said Canada.

"I know. Nice England impression, by the way. You should put more 'bloody''s in it though."

"But I quoted him exactly –"

"What else did he say?"

"Uh … he called you a wanker."

"What else is new …"

"And then he went back to reading his book."

"WHAT? !"

"Sense and Sensibilities, I do believe it was called."

I wanted to cry. I did all that and England was still pissed at me. He'd never forgive me. I was all out of ideas. I did my best and it just wasn't good enough. Canada kept talking but I hung up on him. I went home. I went home to curl up in my Snuggie and mope. Mope all night long …

:'(

X

"Oh, Ben and Jerry's," I said to my ice cream as I dug in. I was snuggling up on the sofa feeling bummed. "I love you guys. I'd marry you if I wasn't already crushing hardcore on England. That and I'm sure you two are already special butt buddies yourselves."

I sighed, all mopey. If only England and me could be special butt buddies …

Suddenly the phone rang. I was busy feeling sorry for myself and accidentally dripping Chunky Monkey on my Snuggie, but I answered anyway.

"Nnyello?" I said.

"Bonjouuuur~" said a very flamboyant voice.

"Oh. Hi France."

"My, my!" said France, who sounded way too excited for this late at night. "Someone sounds miserable tonight! What's wrong? Did you run out of le Twinkies or le HoHos or le Fruit by ze Foot, or whatever terrible excuses for food you shovel into your face?"

"No," I said. "I got plenty of those."

"Oh? So what is ze matter?"

I sighed. I didn't particularly like France, but I figured he might be able to give me some advice. After all, he's known England longer than me. And come on. It's France. In the words of the great Eminem, he gets more ass than a toilet seat. Maybe he's dealt with a situation like me and England's before? ?

"England is pissed at me."

"Zat is nothing new."

"No … like really pissed at me. I did something and he won't forgive me for it. Even though it was totally an accident!"

"Ah. Well, zis is England we're talking about. He can be quite ze stubborn one."

I shoveled more ice cream into my food hole. "Come on. Tell me how to get him to forgive me!"

"Hmm. I suppose it depends on what you did."

"Uh …" I swallowed. "… I was too rough during … well … you know. Sexy times. And I accidentally gave him an … uh … anal prolapse."

"SACRE BLEU!" exclaimed France.

"Yeah, he had a sock-anus."

Then he went "HONHONHON" for like five straight minutes.

"Shut upppppp!" I whined.

Finally, minutes later, he stopped laughing. "You must be careful with zese things, America! Zat is a delicate area!"

"I know that now!" I said. "I already gave him a ton of presents, made him a card, bought him a dog, and even spelled out an apology in the sky! And he still won't forgive me! WHAT DO?"

"Hmm …" hmmed France. "Perhaps you need to think bigger."

"I thought the sky writing was pretty big!"

"Bigger."

"Uh …"

"What's ze biggest thing you can think of?"

"AN ELEPHANT!"

"Non, non. Not like that."

"WHALE!"

"I meant metaphorically—"

"GIRAFFE!"

"Stop naming animals!" France sighed. "I meant something big symbolically. England needs to know you're truly sorry. Material things and petty stunts are not going to impress him."

I was confused. Why did France have to explain things so roundaboutly? Couldn't he just tell me what to do? Gosh!

"You did something to him you can't take back," continued France. "He needs to know you can be trusted again. He needs to know you sympathize. Zat you understand his pain."

"Uh …"

"Do you understand?"

"No."

"Look deep in yourself, America. Open your heart. Among … other things. And you will find ze answer."

"… do you still mean metaphorically?"

"I'll leave zat to you to figure out. HONHONHON."

And with that, he hung up.

I could only think of one thing he meant by all that. And when I did, I had to stuff more ice cream in my mouth for comfort.

To understand England's pain? This was gonna hurt.

X

I slowly closed the hospital room door. It clicked shut softly, and then I locked it.

England was asleep. It was late. So late I had no problem sneaking past the nurses. There weren't many and they didn't notice me.

I approached the side of England's bed. "Pssst, England," I said, poking him with my finger. "Dude, wake up."

"Huh?" England opened his eyes. He looked disoriented, but as soon as he saw me leaning over him, he looked all pissed off again. "Oh, it's you. What are you doing here?"

"I came to say sorry."

England sat up in the bed. "You've said that a bunch of times."

"Well, now I wanna show you I'm sorry too.

"You tried that. I don't care."

"No, listen! This time it's different!" I looked away nervously. "I talked to France and well … he said you need to know that I understand your pain. So I'm gonna show you that I do."

England raised an eyebrow. "What do you have behind your back?"

Oh yeah. I forgot I was hiding something behind my back. Just pretend I included that detail, okey?

I pulled a big dildo from behind my back. "This."

"The FUCK? !" exclaimed England, his eyes getting all big. "Why did you bring such a thing with you to the hospital? !"

"I just told you, duh! Listen to me when I'm talking …"

He looked sickened. "God … you don't mean …"

"Yep." I took a deep breath and said shakily, "I am g-gonna shove this up my ass without lube and fuck myself with it until I get an anal prolapse."

You should have seen England's face. It looked so pale. "DEAR GOD AMERICA!"

"A-and then you'll forgive me, right? !" I said all panicky. "And we'll be friends again and maybe even boyfriends, right? ! And live happily ever after? ! Right? ! RIGHT? ! PLEASE SAY YES HHHGGGGHHH!"

"Whoa, calm down!" said England, holding up his hands defensively. "I do not want you to give yourself a prolapse!"

OH SWEET JESUS YES :'D

"You don't? !" I exclaimed.

"No, of course not! God! What made you even think that? !"

Darn you France … you sneaky French bastard …

"I don't want you to hurt yourself in any way!" said England.

"But you said I needed to apologize in a more adult way!"

"Yes, but not like that!"

"Then what?"

England sighed. Then he patted the end of the bed. "Sit."

I sitted. "Yeah?"

"There's a couple things," he started, looking all serious. And it was dramatic. Please imagine this dramatic or you won't understand the consequences! "First of all, you need to listen to me better. I told you that you were being too rough and it hurt and you continued anyway. But it's not just that — all the time you don't listen to me, and it gets frustrating. Communication is very important for a relationship. Understand?"

I smiled. "You … you just want me to listen better? That's it? I don't gotta shove a giant dildo up my ass? OH GLORIOUS DAY! I can do that no problem!"

PROBLEM SOLVED!

Well, that's what I thought. I leaned over to hug him but he stopped me. "Something else too," said England, pushing me off.

I sat back huglessly. "What is it?"

He gave me this look. "I mean sexually."

I hesitated. Because it wasn't a horny look. It was a stern look. "… yeah?"

"There's going to be some changes, at least for a while. Like this, I can't do but so much."

"OH!" I said excitedly. "I get it! You want a blowjob, don't you?"

Nothing says sorry like a blowjob! Remember that, ladies ;) And guys ;) I play for both teams ;) But you probably guessed that already ;) I should probably stop winking so much …

"A blowjob?" repeated England like it was the wrong thing to say.

"Oh? Did I say blowjob?" I said totally not nervously and definitely confidently. "I totally meant blowjobs. Plural. Lots of blowjobs! I'll service you with my mouth until you're done healing! How's that sound?" I winked again ;)

Damnit that's too much winking …

England's mouth just hung agape like :O

"Yeah! I got it!" I was getting excited! "To say I'm sorry, I promise to give you one HUNDRED blowjobs!" I saluted. "I swear! Even if it takes weeks or months or years! One hundred! Scout's honor!"

England could hardly talk. "One … hundred …?"

"Mmm hmm! Does that make it up to you?"

"You know what …" England smirked. "It does."

I scooted closer to him. "Ya know … you've been in this bed for a couple days now. I bet you haven't gotten a chance to jack off since your surgery, have you?"

England leaned back against the pillow. "No. Haven't gotten much time to myself. The nurses are always in and out."

"Hmm." I crawled over to him, stopping at his legs. "Well, the door's locked."

"Yeah?" England was watching me. When I stopped at his legs, he spread them.

So I scooted in between them. "You're all pent up for days."

England was trying to hide his smirk but did a pretty crappy job. "Indeed. I suppose I am."

I licked my lips. "Want me to fix that for you?"

He looked away. "If you feel so inclined …"

Hehe. Oh, I feel inclined alright … whatever the hell that meant …

I lifted up his hospital gown. I rolled it up to his stomach. He wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"Don't look where they did the surgery," he said, looking a bit worried. "It'll just gross you out."

Oops. Too late. UGH! I hope that heals soon so I can get up in there again. But I didn't tell England how gross I thought it looked because I didn't want to piss him off. I'm so nice :)

"It's okay," I lied. "I don't mind."

England smiled weakly back. "Heh."

"I like how they shaved you down here," I said as I cupped his cock, already half hard. He tries to be coy but he was probably getting turned on as soon as I sat on the bed! Though it'd been a few days since his penis had any kind of action and I'm super hot so that's understandable …

"They did it for the surgery," replied England. His cheeks were getting red.

"It's hot." That was the last thing I said before I dipped my head and licked. I dragged my tongue along the underside, feeling him get harder against me as I slid it along. You know that big ol' vein cocks have? I licked along there and felt it throb. "It really has been days for you, huh?" I said in between licks.

"Y-yeah …"

"Mmm …" With that, I opened wide and slid him in. He gasped and let his head flop back on the pillow. He was completely hard already. I sucked him good and used my hand to jerk off the part I couldn't fit into his mouth.

"Fuck …" hissed England.

"I reawy am sowwy," I said, sounding weird because I had a cock in my mouth.

England panted and said, "I know."

I made a mumbled sound that just sounded like nonsense with a question mark on the end of it. My mouth was quite full!

But England somehow knew what I asked. He curled his fingers in my hair and said, "Yes, yes, I forgive you."

I smiled around his cock. "Yaaaay," I said, but all muffled by manmeat.

Since England had forgiven me, I decided to do something funny. He has a sense of humor, right? There's no way I could let this joke go. I pulled back and his cock flopped out my mouth. I held it in one hand, and reached for it with my other.

"What are you doing?" asked England, all confused.

"Hehe. You'll see."

With my fingers, I pulled back the foreskin. He made a weird choking noise, because I guess he wasn't expecting that, haha! Then I put my lips near the tip of his dick, where the foreskin was lifted, and blew.

I blew a bubble with his foreskin.

It only lasted a few seconds, because I started to laugh. I pulled back and it deflated. And if you're wondering, yes you can do this. It's a real thing if you're not circumcised.

You should have seen England's face! He was like :O' That apostrophe? Drool hanging down.

"Haha, get it, England?" I asked, cracking up. "I did another impression of you, HAHAHA—mmmph!"

England shut me up by grabbing my head and forcing my mouth back over his cock. "Shut up," he said, but he was smiling when he said it. "And finish what you started."

I closed my eyes and hummed. "Mmm …" Back to work!

I bobbed my head up and down, really blowing him good. It was a quality BJ, I assure you. But England's hips still kept popping up, like he was trying to get more.

"This a-actually wasn't what … I meant …" England strained out, breathing funny.

"Huh?" I slurred with a mouthful.

"When I said I wanted s-something else from — AHH — you." England was squirming and gasping as he talked. "S-sexually … I actually meant … oh, God …"

"Mmm, what?"

He took a shaky breath. "I m-meant … for you … to bottom."

I almost spit his cock out. I choked around it. "HUH? !"

"From now on … heh …" he panted. "Since I certainly c-can't any time soon …"

It was hard for me to respond. But I'm a hero, and sometimes heroes gotta take it. In the ass, apparently. "Okay …" I mumbled, my mouth still full of cock. From then on I had to bottom … not my preferred position, but I was still getting laid, and it was with England, so good enough.

I think England was imagining it. His eyes closed and he was smiling like he was thinking about something really sexy. He had to have been, because his hips jerked up more, pushing at the back of my throat.

"Mmmph," I choked.

And then I felt it. A sudden hot wet release in my mouth. I choked a little more but kept bobbing my head, sliding him in and out as he came. And it just kept coming! It was so much! The seconds just rolled by and my mouth was filling up with so much his cum was dribbling out the corners of his mouth. How could I forget if you don't jack off for a couple days, when you finally do cum your load is HUGE? He released a days old backlog into my mouth.

"Fuckkkkkk …" he hissed as he came.

When he was finally done, I slid him out. I swallowed down most of his wad, though some was still trickling out of my mouth. I wiped it with my sleeve.

"Wow, that was quite a load," I said, laughing.

England panted, petting my hair. "Sorry."

"It's okay." I looked away, but then looked back, smiling. "I … I can call you my boyfriend now, right?"

England didn't reply immediately. He looked like he was thinking really hard. Which made me nervous. Then he finally said, "In due time."

"Due time? !" I exclaimed. "WHAT! How much?"

He smirked at me. With his finger, he reached and wiped off a bit of cum from my lips that I'd missed. "You still have ninety nine to go."

:'D

(The end!)


End file.
